Hair and sweaters

Lots of action in the mailbag today, so let's not waste time. The first query comes via e-mail from Carolyn M., who writes:

So, Dan, we've all heard and agree with your endorsement of blue shirts on your fashion blog; when are we going to get into the touchy subject of appropriate hair? Please cover both length and color.

Thanks for the question, Carly, but I must admit that hair is not exactly my area of expertise. I do have wonderful hair that makes the ladies say hooooo, but my impeccable fashion is a far greater factor when it comes to my irresistability.

That said, I do have some insight to share. Here are some things for men to remember:

1) Hair doesn't matter. Women are far more interested in the color of your shirt.

2) The primary concern when considering a hairstyle is how long you can go between haircuts. Fitting that extra trip into your schedule can really be a pain, and if you go to a place where your hair-cutter speaks English, you have to force an awkward conversation for an excruciating 10-15 minutes. No one wants that. I recommend getting your hair cut way too short, then growing it out way too long until the amount of shampoo you are buying is simply no longer economical. Rinse and repeat.

3) Do not waste your money on things like hair product or combs. You should pick a hairstyle that requires no more work than running a towel through your head after your morning shower. Anything more complicated is simply unnecessary, and will force women to question your judgment.

As for color, that's a dumb question, Carolyn. Men do not change their hair color. Period. Whatever you're born with is fine and immaterial, as women most likely will not even notice anything above men's shoulder blades.

Next up comes this important question via text message from Andy E.

Do blue sweaters count toward blue shirt coolness?

Glad you asked, Andrew. Yes, they do, just like blue T-shirts also count toward blue shirt coolness.

However, you must be prepared to reduce your flocking expectations by approximately 20 percent. There are two reasons for this:

1) The cold does bad things to women's hormones, making them chemically less likely to ogle men in the winter months. For this reason, I hate science.

2) A sweater adds another obstacle between a woman and your shoulder blades. If she can't get a sense of their shape, or simply feels the extra layer makes the effort no longer practical, she might give up on making out with your shoulder blades if she's feeling lethargic. You will often see women eye up your shoulder blades, then say "Ehhh" and walk away.

Don't forget to e-mail me your questions for future mailbags. Don't be shy now.

An endorsement from ladykind, and bowties

As if you needed any more convincing, a real-life woman anonymously offered this endorsement "on behalf of ladykind":

Blue shirts: They look good on, but they look better on the floor. Ow ow.

There you have it, men. Wear blue shirts, and they will be making out with your shoulder blades in no time. That's how we're rolling today.

We're also going to have an abridged mailbag, as I have been told this question is time-sensitive.

Dear Dan,

Can I wear bowties to the gym?

Sincerely, Bowtie lover

Well, Tucker, the answer is an emphatic no. I don't own any bowties because, to the best of my knowledge, there is no bowtie aisle at Target.

You should wear blue T-shirts while working out, because women only go to the gym to ogle men and you need to always look your best. But bowties are for sissies, so stop loving them.

Adding protein to your wardrobe

Today we're going to address something very important in every man's wardrobe:

Meat.

My Google Alert for "meat dress" went off more than usual yesterday, as everyone was talking about Lady Gaga at the VMAs. Naturally, everyone asked me for my expert opinion on her wardrobe.

And the answer is: I see no problem with it. In fact, I wear meat and meat-related products on a regular basis.

Before every wedding and Olive Garden I attend, I always go to the butcher shop for a bacon tie. Be careful: They always try to give you one size too small. If you're a medium, ask for a large. Or, if they're one of those old-fashioned shops, add four ounces to your size.

While traveling in Japan, it's customary to offer your own meat to grill when you reach your ryokan. But don't make the common traveler's mistake of forgetting to wear mesh shorts under your pork chop. ALWAYS wear mesh shorts under your pork chop. I can't stress this enough.

Who can forget those angsty high school dances? Hot dog or chicken tender? Chicken tender or hot dog? In the end, I was glad I went with the hot dog, as we were totally holding hands by the end of the night.

So remember: Make sure to coordinate your shoes with your meat, don't forget your mesh shorts, and always have it cooked well done to minimize juice-splattering issues.

UPDATE 2:59 p.m.: Coworker Nathasha Lim actually asked: "Where did you get that meat?"

The answer, of course, is at the butcher shop. Duh.

Not every day can be a blue-shirt day

Gentlemen: Yes, it is true that women will instinctively flock to you like the salmon of Capistrano every time you wear a blue shirt.

But that doesn't mean you should wear one every day. Yes, I know, you want women to instinctively flock to you like the salmon of Capistrano every day. It's a wonderful thing.

But it's also exhausting. All that flocking can take a toll on you after a while, and soon you lose sight of how lucky you are to be flocked to.

So I recommend mixing in some non-blues during your week, just to humanize yourself a bit. Me? I'll be wearing black today. It's still absurdly attractive, but not quite to the degree of blue.

I estimate this will reduce my flocking by 40 percent, which is all I have the energy for after just five hours of sleep. After a long night/early morning of managing your flocks, black is the way to go.

UPDATE 8:55 a.m.: Lisa Rowan, a coworker who has a far less successful fashion blog, says my shirt is not black, but black with white pinstripes. I disagree. The pinstripes may be there, but it is simply a black shirt in my book. Keep it simple, men.

Mailbag: Stripes, wrinkles and shoulder blades

Today I introduce a new feature: The Mailbag!

Our first mailbag question comes from Sam C., who writes on Twitter:

OK, females/@bydanielvictor, can I get a ruling on wearing a striped shirt and a striped tie? Faux pas, or no?

Sam, Sam, Sam. You're overthinking...stripes don't matter. All that matters is that you are wearing a shirt in some shade of blue. Women love blue. Once you've got that taken care of, nothing else matters.

Our next question comes via e-mail from Dave F.

I've heard that there are things called "wrinkles" that women notice in our clothes. Is that true?

Sorry to say it, Dave, but it's true. Somehow women notice these things. I know normal people like you and I would never notice such an appallingly insignificant detail in other people, but the womenfolk like to pay attention to that kind of thing.

I learned three years ago to purchase an "iron" and an "ironing board." Though it seems like a silly use of your time, it's probably best to remove at least 60 percent of the wrinkles before trying to impress a woman. If you don't want to buy an iron, you can just put your shirt on a hook in the bathroom while you shower. That should be good enough.

Our next question comes from Steve R.

Dan: I took your advice to wear blue shirts, and now everywhere I go women are trying to make out with my shoulder blades. What can I do about this problem?

It can be difficult dealing with the quantity of women who will now be trying to make out with your shoulder blades. It usually begins 15-30 seconds from when you leave your front door, depending on how crowded your street or apartment elevator is.

I would recommend thanking the woman for her passion, directing her to contribute to your charity of choice, and giving her the URL of your fashion blog. If repeating this dozens of times per day becomes exhausting, you can print the instructions out on business cards.

Have a question for a future mailbag? Be sure to e-mail me your query.

Back to blue

Let's go back to what works. Gotta return to a blue shirt today.

But here's where we'll shake it up a bit: M'Fin blue jeans. Not my usual khakis...we're throwing jeans into the mix today. We're going with jeans and an untucked blue shirt, to say to all the lucky ladies: This ain't your daddy's blue shirt.

No, not because it's casual Friday. I work for a website...every day can be considered casual. They're lucky I wear pants at all.

It's just how I roll.

DRAMATIC TURN OF EVENTS

No blue shirt today! Nuh uh. Not this guy. We're going for a burst of color today, folks:

Green. Yep, you read that right. Green. For real.