Adding protein to your wardrobe

Today we're going to address something very important in every man's wardrobe:

Meat.

My Google Alert for "meat dress" went off more than usual yesterday, as everyone was talking about Lady Gaga at the VMAs. Naturally, everyone asked me for my expert opinion on her wardrobe.

And the answer is: I see no problem with it. In fact, I wear meat and meat-related products on a regular basis.

Before every wedding and Olive Garden I attend, I always go to the butcher shop for a bacon tie. Be careful: They always try to give you one size too small. If you're a medium, ask for a large. Or, if they're one of those old-fashioned shops, add four ounces to your size.

While traveling in Japan, it's customary to offer your own meat to grill when you reach your ryokan. But don't make the common traveler's mistake of forgetting to wear mesh shorts under your pork chop. ALWAYS wear mesh shorts under your pork chop. I can't stress this enough.

Who can forget those angsty high school dances? Hot dog or chicken tender? Chicken tender or hot dog? In the end, I was glad I went with the hot dog, as we were totally holding hands by the end of the night.

So remember: Make sure to coordinate your shoes with your meat, don't forget your mesh shorts, and always have it cooked well done to minimize juice-splattering issues.

UPDATE 2:59 p.m.: Coworker Nathasha Lim actually asked: "Where did you get that meat?"

The answer, of course, is at the butcher shop. Duh.